I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
