sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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