Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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