I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
