How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
