someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
