I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
