you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
