Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
