I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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