Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
