You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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