I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
