Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Enjoy the penises
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
