I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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