checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
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hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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