I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
