I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
