I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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