he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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