you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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