this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
