Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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