five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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