On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
