At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
