new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
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who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
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Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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