all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
