I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
