I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I want her autograph on my taint
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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