I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
