Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize