Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
