in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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