I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
