I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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