Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
