I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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