sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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