Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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