i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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