I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
