you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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