What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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