im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
