I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
