U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
