We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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