i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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