Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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