she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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