Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
