Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
