I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
